Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Rays of Peace
I hope that I brought you as much joy as you brought me; as much happiness and pleasure that you provided me as well. The overwhelming sadness and sense of eternal loss that has soaked into every pore of my being left me burdened; it was crushing to see you lying on our bed, a place of refuge, of retreat, of love and comfort. Yet you were at peace. Through the months of suffering, especially the last few days, you were finally at peace. I was in bed with you, beside you, holding you, whispering in your ear. I kissed you. No one was in the room with us. I shed some tears; they fell upon your cold cheek. The peace that radiated from you like a beacon in the darkness of this world still semed to eminate from you, somehow filling the room with a quiet assurance. I told you that you were the greatest woman I had ever met and that you were more beautiful than when you walked down the aisle towards me on the day of our wedding. You were a gifted woman. You were a woman of vision, of determination, you were a person of hope and who inspired hope in others, but most of all you were a woman of integrity, someone who lived a life of virtue and honesty and who expected others to do the same. I admired all of these qualitites about you, but most of all I admired the integrity. I shed tears as I shared these things with you, as we were in bed together for the last time. Never again would we be this close physically in this life. I look forward to when we will see each other again, with your radiant face and your shining eyes. I know there will be rays of peace beaming from your face. It is your gift. I will always love you. As I promised you on our wedding day: 'I give you my undying love'. Thank you all for your prayers and support. I know that Sabina appreciated all of your efforts as well. Thank you.
Friday, March 30, 2007
The Road to Peace
The road to peace begins with a prayer. Sabina and I attended a prayer service at the Hinsdale church Wednesday night. A number of church members attended and Pastor Ron invited all there to pray for Sabina, me and Serena. Especially Sabina. Sabina, at one point in the service, was at the front speaking about how she hoped her life, or her death, would flulfill God's will. I could see the peace of the Holy Spirit in her as she spoke these words. The road that we have been on has not been smooth. Especially for Sabina. But she is at peace. And there is prayer. We are so thankful for those who are praying. The peace is Sabina's life is truly a gift.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
A BLESSED Service
On Thursday Michael and I were invited to attend a prayer service at Spinning Wheel which is where I work. The meeting rooms were full of individuals that I have worked with over the past few years. The Chaplain read from Psalms 139 and said many kind words about me.
I tried not to cry but the tears just fell from the very beginning as my fellow friends sang "Come to Jesus". I was so thankful that Michael was there with me as he held my hand and I cried. I was so touched that they were doing a prayer service for me. I felt so loved.
After the service we stood up and I hugged almost everyone (if not everyone) as they left the room. So many tears were shed and I want to thank everyone who was there to pray for me and my family. I also want to thank everyone who shed thier tears. This is a tragic story and I have shed many tears so I am thankful and grateful to all who want to shed tears along with me.
God Bless You All.
I tried not to cry but the tears just fell from the very beginning as my fellow friends sang "Come to Jesus". I was so thankful that Michael was there with me as he held my hand and I cried. I was so touched that they were doing a prayer service for me. I felt so loved.
After the service we stood up and I hugged almost everyone (if not everyone) as they left the room. So many tears were shed and I want to thank everyone who was there to pray for me and my family. I also want to thank everyone who shed thier tears. This is a tragic story and I have shed many tears so I am thankful and grateful to all who want to shed tears along with me.
God Bless You All.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
A BEAUTIFUL Gift
On Tuesday Kelly, a photographer came to our home to take pictures of Serena and I. Serena warmed up to Kelly very fast. I LOVED how Kelly persuaded Serena to use her camera to take pictures of her bear, frog, and baby doll Kyla. After that Serena was willing to do almost anything Kelly asked. We took pictures of Serena and I reading, playing, walking, Serena jumping on our bed, eating, Serena and I holding hands, Serena giving mommy a kiss and so forth. It was one of the most BEAUTIFUL gifts ever given to me. I know that when Serena sees these pictures she will feel warmth and love in her heart. I want to thank everyone involved in giving this gift to me and my family. I never would have thought of such a gift and it means so much to me and my family. I also want to thank Kelly from the bottom of my heart for she is willing to not only create a CD for Serena but also willing to create a scrapbook for Serena to have forever. I am forever grateful. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Final Decision Has Been Made
On Friday, March 9th Michael and I went to see Dr. Jamie Von Roenn at Northwestern Hospital. After Dr. Von Roenn read the reports from my latest visit to the hospital we discussed what were my options. Dr. Von Roenn agreed with my oncologist that I should no longer take Xeloda. In her opinion it was time for me to stop searching around the world for the cure that is not out there for me. Dr. Von Roenn encouraged me to enjoy my remaining time with Michael and Serena. Of course, I cried. I told her that I felt as if I am "quitting" too soon and I have not done everything I can for Michael and Serena. She asked Michael if he agreed with me and as the wonderful husband that he is, of course, he told her I have done all I can. I still wept.
There is a part of me that feels I have failed Michael and Serena. That I should be fighting to the very end and then there is a part of me that is so happy to be off chemotherapy. I feel normal for the most part. I am on heart medication, cough medication, and pain medication which takes care of all my remaining problems. If you saw me or talked to me you would think all was well and yet there is this awful "thing" eating me alive in the inside. Isn't that ironic?
I really don't know how much time I have left and neither does the doctors. Dr. Von Roenn said that doctors are the worst "guessers". She would know. Her husband was told that he had a few months to live and he died within a few weeks. I made the comment that it must have been more difficult to lose him so quickly and her response was "not really." After all, she still grieves the loss of the future she was to have with her husband. Only God knows the future and it probably is for the best that we don't. Imagine the fear we would carry in our hearts if we did know the future. I pray that I have more time with my family but I suppose I would always pray for one more day, one more night, one more hour, or one more minute.
I don't want to leave but once again I remind myself that we are all on a temporary journey here on earth and that our final destination is to get to heaven. In heaven I will be reunited with my loved ones and to me it will be "tomorrow" when I see them again.
There is a part of me that feels I have failed Michael and Serena. That I should be fighting to the very end and then there is a part of me that is so happy to be off chemotherapy. I feel normal for the most part. I am on heart medication, cough medication, and pain medication which takes care of all my remaining problems. If you saw me or talked to me you would think all was well and yet there is this awful "thing" eating me alive in the inside. Isn't that ironic?
I really don't know how much time I have left and neither does the doctors. Dr. Von Roenn said that doctors are the worst "guessers". She would know. Her husband was told that he had a few months to live and he died within a few weeks. I made the comment that it must have been more difficult to lose him so quickly and her response was "not really." After all, she still grieves the loss of the future she was to have with her husband. Only God knows the future and it probably is for the best that we don't. Imagine the fear we would carry in our hearts if we did know the future. I pray that I have more time with my family but I suppose I would always pray for one more day, one more night, one more hour, or one more minute.
I don't want to leave but once again I remind myself that we are all on a temporary journey here on earth and that our final destination is to get to heaven. In heaven I will be reunited with my loved ones and to me it will be "tomorrow" when I see them again.
Monday, March 5, 2007
With Great Sadness
Upon my return from the Breast Cancer Conference I went to see my Oncologist, Dr. Louie and while she was listening to my heart she made the comment that my heart was racing very fast. I informed her that it had been racing over the last two weeks but I thought it had to do with the Xeloda. Fortunately, for me there is a Cardiology group across the hallway and Dr. Louie made a call and they agreed to see me quickly. An EKG and EchoCardiogram was done and my heart rate was 133. However, my heart muscle seem to be very strong so the Cardiologist thought that there might be fluid near the lungs that is putting pressure on my heart to beat so quickly so he suggested that I see a Pulmonologist. I called to make an appointment and could not get in until March 20th. I was so concerned about my heart that I decided to see my family doctor for a second opinion. As usual, Dr. Spratford is wonderful and agreed to see me on Tuesday. Dr. Spratford ordered an x-ray and there appeared to be lots of fluid in the left lung so he called a pulmonologist and it was decided that due to the complex masses on my left lung I would need to be hospitalized in order to attempt to remove the fluid and relieve the pressure on my heart. So on Tuesday afternoon I was admitted to Adventist La Grange Memorial Hospital. While I was in the hospital the Pulmologist attempted to perform a Thoriosentisis and stopped the procedure due to the unsuccessful attempt to remove the fluid. An Interventional Radiologist attempted the same procedure using more sophisticated equipment and was successful in removing 200cc of fluid (which unfortunately was not enough). I also saw a Cardiologist which was monitoring my heart as it was beating rapidly even while I was in the hospital. Dr. Spratford consulted with the Cardiologist regarding surgery and was told I only had a 50/50 chance of pulling through the surgery so we decided it was not worth the risk.
On Saturday I saw Dr. Spratford and with great sadness he told me that he did everything he could to try to help me. The tumors have pushed my heart up and to the right which explains why it is beating so hard as it has less space to function. I understood this to mean that there is only so much pressure my heart can take and I was correct. Dr. Spratford recommended that I move forward with Hospice Care because it is a matter now that I may not die of the cancer but rather a heart related problem. Of course, I was devasted and Dr. Spratford was devastated as well and we both shed some tears. So I was discharged from the Hospital and I went home and called my family to share the sad news. Only God knows how much time I have on this earth, however, the amount of time suggested by my doctor was perhaps a few weeks.
I want to mention that while I was in the hospital I was being well taken care of by the staff but my favorite nurse was "Sue". She was very compassionate and loving and cried with me while I was in the hospital. She even visited with me on Saturday before I was discharged.
On Sunday we meet with a nurse from St. Thomas and she seemed very compassionate. We decided to not move forward with St. Thomas until I confirmed with my Oncologist that she agreed with Dr. Spratford. On Monday I spoke to Dr. Louie and she agreed that there was nothing more that chemotherapy can do for me.
At first I had accepted that I am dying and will spend the next few weeks with family and friends enjoying the company. However, tonight after much thought I have decided to seek a second opinion regarding my heart condition. Afterall, if this is the end what do I have to lose seeking a second opinion.
So I ask each of you to pray for my family. I especially ask that you pray for Michael as he is so angry and is not ready to accept that I am dying. I ask for you to pray for Serena that she will understand that someday mommy will need to leave and will not come back. And I ask you to pray for me that even though I will no longer be here to take care of Michael and Serena that I have assurance and faith that God will take care of Michael and Serena.
Thank you all for continued support and prayers.
We can still hope for the best but we must prepare ourselves for the worst.
On Saturday I saw Dr. Spratford and with great sadness he told me that he did everything he could to try to help me. The tumors have pushed my heart up and to the right which explains why it is beating so hard as it has less space to function. I understood this to mean that there is only so much pressure my heart can take and I was correct. Dr. Spratford recommended that I move forward with Hospice Care because it is a matter now that I may not die of the cancer but rather a heart related problem. Of course, I was devasted and Dr. Spratford was devastated as well and we both shed some tears. So I was discharged from the Hospital and I went home and called my family to share the sad news. Only God knows how much time I have on this earth, however, the amount of time suggested by my doctor was perhaps a few weeks.
I want to mention that while I was in the hospital I was being well taken care of by the staff but my favorite nurse was "Sue". She was very compassionate and loving and cried with me while I was in the hospital. She even visited with me on Saturday before I was discharged.
On Sunday we meet with a nurse from St. Thomas and she seemed very compassionate. We decided to not move forward with St. Thomas until I confirmed with my Oncologist that she agreed with Dr. Spratford. On Monday I spoke to Dr. Louie and she agreed that there was nothing more that chemotherapy can do for me.
At first I had accepted that I am dying and will spend the next few weeks with family and friends enjoying the company. However, tonight after much thought I have decided to seek a second opinion regarding my heart condition. Afterall, if this is the end what do I have to lose seeking a second opinion.
So I ask each of you to pray for my family. I especially ask that you pray for Michael as he is so angry and is not ready to accept that I am dying. I ask for you to pray for Serena that she will understand that someday mommy will need to leave and will not come back. And I ask you to pray for me that even though I will no longer be here to take care of Michael and Serena that I have assurance and faith that God will take care of Michael and Serena.
Thank you all for continued support and prayers.
We can still hope for the best but we must prepare ourselves for the worst.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Breast Cancer Conference
On February 23rd I went to the 7th Annual Conference for Young Women Affected by Breast Cancer sponsored by Young Survival Coalition and Living Beyond Breast Cancer in Arlington, VA. This conference included women who were diagnosed with cancer prior to the age of 45. I had an opportunity to greet the attendees that arrived on Friday and I was touched as to how easy it was for each one of us to talk to one another. I suppose it was because we shared one tragedy and that is cancer. I attended several workshops which focused on balancing treatment, side effects and improving quality of life, and treatment updates for metastatic breast cancer. I was saddened and yet felt comforted by the number of young women with metastatic breast cancer that attended the workshops.
I walked away from the conference realizing that I am truly blessed. I tell you this because I met a young woman that has Stage IV cancer and her wish is that her boyfriend marry her before she dies. I met another who has been on chemotherapy for ten years and now she would like to have a baby but needs to consider the pros and cons of getting off chemo in order to have this baby. I met another who has Stage IV cancer and found out a week after she was diagnosed with breast cancer that she is pregnant. I am so thankful that I do not have those issues to deal with in my life. I have been married to Michael for fifteen years and I have a beautiful baby girl. My wish is that I have more time with them as well as my family and friends.
I walked away from the conference realizing that I am truly blessed. I tell you this because I met a young woman that has Stage IV cancer and her wish is that her boyfriend marry her before she dies. I met another who has been on chemotherapy for ten years and now she would like to have a baby but needs to consider the pros and cons of getting off chemo in order to have this baby. I met another who has Stage IV cancer and found out a week after she was diagnosed with breast cancer that she is pregnant. I am so thankful that I do not have those issues to deal with in my life. I have been married to Michael for fifteen years and I have a beautiful baby girl. My wish is that I have more time with them as well as my family and friends.
Friday, February 23, 2007
A breaking heart
My heart is breaking. Sabina is coughing at lot at night; it is tough to get a full night of sleep. One night in particular, she wanted to lie on her back next to me ( usually she is propped up a bit with some pillows). This turned out to be a poor choice: she could not take her next breath, then she could not talk. I quickly rose above her and pulled her into a sitting position; after a few moments she took a breath. We both had to admit that it was an anxiety provoking experience. She now tries to sleep at about a 45 deree angle with her knees bent. I have to admit it is tough watching Sabina go through this experience. It does make me angry. I have to admit that. While it does make me sad, my heart is breaking, it also makes me angry. I don't know how to deal with the anger. I think that the sadness is socially acceptable, but the anger is not easily delt with. I think of Serena. I want to be the best father I can be for her, and be the best example I can of how to deal with what life throws your way. I love her so much. And I love Sabina so much. That is what makes all of this so painful.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
It's Been an AMAZING Week...
Last tuesday my younger sister (Nereida) was scheduled to have an emergency surgery due to a herniated intestine, unfortunately, I did not know how "dangerous" this surgery was going to be so when I spoke to her that morning I told her good luck and I'll talk to you tomorrow. I never thought those could have been my last words to her. In the evening I received a call that my sister may not make it through the night. I was devasted. I thought I didn't get a chance to tell her how much I love her. I need to hear her voice one more time. I need to tell her I love her. I felt such an incredible loss. And I selfishly thought she is suppose to be mourning my loss not me mourning her loss. She is suppose to be here with me and on my journey. I did not want to go on this journey without her. The pain I experienced was different and intense. I understand now the pain that my loved ones are experiencing with the thought of losing me. There is a need to just have one more chance to hold and to touch and to say I love you. Thankfully, Nereida did pull through this surgery and is now home recuperating and I did get my chance to say I LOVE YOU once more.
On a brighter note my brother (Ray), his better half (Christy), and my nephew(Nico) came and spent the weekend with Michael, Serena, and I. Nico is three and he gets along GREAT with Serena. Of course, you know that means (love, hate, play, and fight). Ray and Christy took great care of us. They were happy to just lay around and chat because these days that's all I seem to do. O.K. I guess I should say Christy and I layed around and chatted. The men were off doing something. As for Nico and Serena they watched Veggie Tales at least 50 times and they still LOVE it. Michael, Serena, and I were very sad to see them go back to sunny 80 degree Florida. We couldn't believe they would not want to stay here in 9 degree weather. I have to admit it was funny that Nico did not seem to enjoy the snow as much as Serena does.
As of today I am halfway through my radiation treatments (YEAH!!!). I am experiencing a lot of pain on my left side so I hope this radiation treatment will work. I have been having difficulty sleeping over the last few days and finally in desperation I bought a "husband pillow" and wouldn't you know I slept all night. Today I woke up feeling GREAT. I have to admit I am not sure why it is called a husband pillow but it is now my favorite pillow.
This Friday I am off to a Breast Cancer Conference sponsored by the Young Survivor Coalition. It is for women under the age of 40 who have had or currently have breast cancer. I will update you all upon my return. In the meantime I have included a link of a recent teleconference regarding metastatic breast cancer: http://www.youngsurvival.org/images/pdf/metastatic_medical_front_transcript_dec_19.pdf
Thank you all for your prayers and support. Thank you again for sharing this journey with Michael, Serena, and I.
On a brighter note my brother (Ray), his better half (Christy), and my nephew(Nico) came and spent the weekend with Michael, Serena, and I. Nico is three and he gets along GREAT with Serena. Of course, you know that means (love, hate, play, and fight). Ray and Christy took great care of us. They were happy to just lay around and chat because these days that's all I seem to do. O.K. I guess I should say Christy and I layed around and chatted. The men were off doing something. As for Nico and Serena they watched Veggie Tales at least 50 times and they still LOVE it. Michael, Serena, and I were very sad to see them go back to sunny 80 degree Florida. We couldn't believe they would not want to stay here in 9 degree weather. I have to admit it was funny that Nico did not seem to enjoy the snow as much as Serena does.
As of today I am halfway through my radiation treatments (YEAH!!!). I am experiencing a lot of pain on my left side so I hope this radiation treatment will work. I have been having difficulty sleeping over the last few days and finally in desperation I bought a "husband pillow" and wouldn't you know I slept all night. Today I woke up feeling GREAT. I have to admit I am not sure why it is called a husband pillow but it is now my favorite pillow.
This Friday I am off to a Breast Cancer Conference sponsored by the Young Survivor Coalition. It is for women under the age of 40 who have had or currently have breast cancer. I will update you all upon my return. In the meantime I have included a link of a recent teleconference regarding metastatic breast cancer: http://www.youngsurvival.org/images/pdf/metastatic_medical_front_transcript_dec_19.pdf
Thank you all for your prayers and support. Thank you again for sharing this journey with Michael, Serena, and I.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
First Day of Radiation Treatment
On Monday was my first radiation treatment. I knew the routine so I went to the radiation oncology department and grabbed a key to one of the lockers and changed my clothes and waited for them to call me. It was nice to hear one of the nurses say to me that it was sad to see me back here. I understood what she meant. I thought I would be fine as I have had radiation before but as I sat on the cold table half naked and being radiated I had tears start to form in my eyes. I started thinking about how it was only in 2005 that I had five weeks of radiation treatments. I just thought "I can't believe I am back." It was all over in a few minutes and I went back to the locker and got dressed. I got in the car with Michael and just sat quietly as we drove home. He could tell I was very sad but he knows there is nothing he can do but just be there with me. I have a total of fourteen treatments so I hope it works to reduce the pain on the left side.
Thursday, February 8, 2007
First day on Xeloda...
I met with a radiation oncologist on Tuesday to discuss the possibility of radiating the tumor that is now 9cm and sitting on the top left lung. It is putting so much pressure on my nerves that my left side of the neck, shoulder, shoulder blade, arm, and head hurt. The meeting went well and we agreed to start radiation next week. It will be every day for two weeks. However, as I left the office I had tears in my eyes. As I was about to walk out the radiation oncologist looked at me and said you do realize that there is no cure and this will only help alleviate the pain and I smiled and said yes and thanked him. How many times do I need to hear "there is no cure?"
I started the Xeloda today. My stomach has been queasy all day. Of course, it did not stop me from eating Aurelio's Pizza tonight. I am a little apprehensive about the side effects. There are some terrible side-effects but everybody responds differently. I could be one of the lucky ones that will have minimal side effects.
I had a really bad night as I did not take a steroid which I am suppose to be weaned off, however, the method that was recommended to me is not working well. I ached all night and my fever spiked to 100.2 and I knew it was because of the steroids. So I spoke to my Doctor and we are going to try a different method to wean me off this steroid.
Even though I was not well today it was very fortunate that I had a follow-up appointment with my primary physician because Serena was not well either. She has had this awful cough for two weeks. So I took her in and she does have some fluid in her left lung so the doctor ordered antibiotics. She did so well. She even gave the doctor two "high5".
Afterwards, I took Serena home for a nap but she refused and I was so exhausted so I decided to take her to see Charlotte's Web at the Theatre. I sat in the theatre with her and during previews we would look at each other and giggle. She was soooo lovely. I just loved being there with her.
Well, we are both very tired. Serena went to bed at 6p.m. and I am trying my best to stay up to watch Grey's Anatomy. I am so tired so let's see who wins: McDreamy or McBed????
I started the Xeloda today. My stomach has been queasy all day. Of course, it did not stop me from eating Aurelio's Pizza tonight. I am a little apprehensive about the side effects. There are some terrible side-effects but everybody responds differently. I could be one of the lucky ones that will have minimal side effects.
I had a really bad night as I did not take a steroid which I am suppose to be weaned off, however, the method that was recommended to me is not working well. I ached all night and my fever spiked to 100.2 and I knew it was because of the steroids. So I spoke to my Doctor and we are going to try a different method to wean me off this steroid.
Even though I was not well today it was very fortunate that I had a follow-up appointment with my primary physician because Serena was not well either. She has had this awful cough for two weeks. So I took her in and she does have some fluid in her left lung so the doctor ordered antibiotics. She did so well. She even gave the doctor two "high5".
Afterwards, I took Serena home for a nap but she refused and I was so exhausted so I decided to take her to see Charlotte's Web at the Theatre. I sat in the theatre with her and during previews we would look at each other and giggle. She was soooo lovely. I just loved being there with her.
Well, we are both very tired. Serena went to bed at 6p.m. and I am trying my best to stay up to watch Grey's Anatomy. I am so tired so let's see who wins: McDreamy or McBed????
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Fast Forward to 2006...
I was determined to learn to love my “new body” so in June I started working out every day. I was burning 1,000 calories a day by walking on the treadmill for one and ½ hours a day. My left side of the neck, shoulder, and arm would ache but I just thought perhaps, I was overdoing it with my workouts. After a couple of months I went to see my primary physician, Dr. Spratford and he thought perhaps I had muscle tension. So I was given some medication and told to come back in four weeks. In four weeks I still ached on the left side so we decided to do an MRI on the neck which showed nothing was wrong. Then on September 19th I woke up not feeling well and called Dr. Spratford as I was suppose to get on a plane to fly to Florida. When he saw me and heard the congestion on my chest he recommended an x-ray be done. The X-Ray showed there was pneumonia and an infection in my left lungs. He then decided to request a CT to see what was causing the pneumonia and that is when they found the mass in my left lungs. My life was turned upside down again. I was immediately sent to the Hospital. A biopsy was done and sent to the Mayo Clinic for comparison to the biopsy that was done when I was originally diagnosed with Breast Cancer. According to Mayo, “the tumor in the lung showed poorly differentiated malignant spindle cells in a myxoid stroma, admixed with areas of hemorrhage and fibrosis.” I was officially diagnosed with Stage IV Cancer Metastatic Breast Cancer to the Lungs upon which I was told that there is no cure and would die from this cancer. I was told that perhaps, I would have one to two years depending on how I respond to chemotherapy.
As of January 31, 2007 I have seen seven oncologists with the hopes that one of them will tell me that they can cure me. Unfortunately, all of them agree that I have Stage IV Cancer and will die from this cancer. However, there are chemotherapy drugs that I can take to try to stop the tumors from growing. I started chemotherapy in October 2006 I did five cycles of Gemzar, Carboplatin, and Avastin and after two CT’s it shows that the tumors are still growing. So on February 5, 2007, Dr. Louie and I agreed to move forward with the next regimen and we will have another CT done in six weeks.
During all this time I grieve over the loss of time I will have most of all with Serena. After all, my friends and family will remember me but I know that Serena will not. So I am creating a memory chest for her and my hopes are that she will feel the incredible amount of LOVE that I have for her. I want her to know that her name fitted her well as she has been and will be the “SERENITY” of my life.
As of January 31, 2007 I have seen seven oncologists with the hopes that one of them will tell me that they can cure me. Unfortunately, all of them agree that I have Stage IV Cancer and will die from this cancer. However, there are chemotherapy drugs that I can take to try to stop the tumors from growing. I started chemotherapy in October 2006 I did five cycles of Gemzar, Carboplatin, and Avastin and after two CT’s it shows that the tumors are still growing. So on February 5, 2007, Dr. Louie and I agreed to move forward with the next regimen and we will have another CT done in six weeks.
During all this time I grieve over the loss of time I will have most of all with Serena. After all, my friends and family will remember me but I know that Serena will not. So I am creating a memory chest for her and my hopes are that she will feel the incredible amount of LOVE that I have for her. I want her to know that her name fitted her well as she has been and will be the “SERENITY” of my life.
It All Began in 2004....
I was six months pregnant when one morning I decided to do a self-check on my breast and to my surprise I felt a small lump. I was concerned so at my next doctor’s appointment I told the Doctor I felt a lump. He was not too concerned but told me to keep an eye on it to see if it continued to grow. The lump continued to grow and it was getting larger and larger. I remember having dinner with some wonderful friends of mine and I shared with them the story about the lady who kept having irregular periods and how her pap smears kept coming back normal so after two years she went to another doctor and had another pap smear done and this time it reported she had ovarian cancer. It was too late and she died. I thought wouldn’t it be awful if it turns out to be cancer and I wasn’t persistent to get it checked and then it would be too late for me? They were insistent that I ask the Doctor be checked at the minimum to receive a piece of mind. So I did. I had an ultrasound and a mammography done and they both confirmed there was something in my breast. I thought this is a waste of time as all you had to do is touch my breast and you could tell there was something there. Finally, I was referred to have a biopsy but on the day of my appointment to see the surgeon I went into labor and my beautiful baby girl (Serena Mai Yancey) was born the following day, August 7, 2004. A few weeks later I had the biopsy done. I would hold my baby girl at night I would cry asking God that if I had cancer to spare my life and take my breast. I needed to be here for Serena. The Doctor called me to tell me the news but I missed his call. When I returned the call the Nurse informed me that the Doctor wanted me to have some further test done at the Hospital so I asked why and she just told me that the Doctor just needed more test. So I asked her to fax me the Doctor’s order and on it was the diagnosis: Breast Cancer. I remember not even crying. I was so shocked. My husband didn’t cry nor did I.
I obtained a copy of the biopsy report and even though I am not a physician I understood “carcinoma and complete excision recommended”. I went home and e-mailed my family and closest friends. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone on the phone. I was devastated and felt I could not be strong to talk to anyone. The following weeks were chaotic trying to deal with a newborn baby and dealing with being diagnosed with Stage 2B cancer. I saw two surgeons and they both had different recommendations and I was so confused. I didn’t know what to do. I remember one afternoon sitting at the park and holding Serena and crying and wondering would I be here for my baby. Was it too late? My cell phone rang and it was Kimberly. She asked/begged me to go to Northwestern and get a third opinion. So I did. I was able to get an appointment immediately and I was so impressed by the surgeon, Dr. Kevin Bethke who sat down with me and discussed my options that I decided that he would be my surgeon. We decided to proceed with four sessions of chemotherapy to see if we could reduce the tumor. The tumor was so large that the breast would have to be removed if the chemotherapy was not able to reduce it. I started the chemotherapy and continued working during the treatments. I really believe it helped to keep me focus and not to fall apart. I kept telling myself I am the one who supports my family financially. They need me to be strong. Sure there were days that I wanted to crawl into a hole and cry and not come out but I told myself I had too many people relying on me. Everyone at home and at work was very supportive. I couldn’t have done this without their support.
The day I cried the hardest was when I lost my hair. I cut my hair very short in October to help me deal with the imminent lose of my hair but I was ever so wrong when I thought that the day I would start losing my hair it would not be so painful. I was taking a bath when I noticed my hair started falling off. I cried so hard that I didn’t even realize I was crying that hard until I heard my husband run upstairs to the bathroom to see what was wrong. I couldn’t stop crying. I cried and cried and cried. Soon after my hair started to fall I decided to get a wig so two of my girlfriends (Marilyn and Maria) went with me to a special shop where they specialized on women losing hair. I bought a wig and I had them shave the rest of my hair off so that we could fit the wig. That day my girlfriends cried for me. I didn’t cry. Perhaps, it was because I shed my tears already for the loss of my hair. I wore the wig for a few weeks but every time I went to the bathroom I would look in the mirror and I would tell myself how ugly I look. One day I decided that I couldn’t continue wearing the wig and I took it off. I remember going to work almost in tears afraid on how people would respond. Everyone was GREAT. They told me how beautiful I looked. I remember walking into a meeting with all the CFOs and no one said anything, except for Randy, the Executive CFO. He walked in and saw me and he asked if he could rub my head and I told him yes, but that I would not make any of his dreams come true. We laughed and I thought to myself Thank You for taking this awful shame away from me (being bald can make you quite self-conscious).
Well, my four chemo treatments finished and the tumor was still too large so the decision was made to have a masectomy of the right breast. I also decided to have a left breast reduction at the same time. I’ve always wanted smaller breasts I just never thought it would occur by getting cancer. So on December 14, 2004 I checked into Northwestern University Hospital with my three best girlfriends (Kim, Marilyn, and Maria) and my husband. Having a masectomy is awful. I remember looking at my body and thinking how ugly I am. How can my husband still love me? I needed my husband and did not want to lose him but didn’t know how to deal with everything. Getting cancer impacts your life at home and at work. It can destroy your relationship with your spouse. It can tear you down physically and emotionally. My friends and family tried to be supportive and would try to be positive but they did not know the extreme of my pain. I had become a bad wife, a bad mother, a bad employee, a bad employer, a bad friend, etc. You lose confidence in everything.
2005 was an awful year for me and my family. I spent the beginning of the year completing the last four sessions of chemotherapy and then started six weeks of radiation therapy. I was trying to deal with the loss of my breast and the loss that I felt at home and at work. Then in March my brother in-law died due to complication of pneumonia. He was only 35 years old and finished his last treatment for testicular cancer. I grieved so hard for Mark. I had survivor guilt. After all, why did Mark have to die? We both dealt with our cancers as if we had long-term flu. We had planned to go to Europe to celebrate once we finished our treatments. We were both excited. I went into a deeper sadness and I didn’t want anyone to see it. I would go into counseling and all I could express was profound sadness in my life. In August my baby girl turned one and I grieved that I couldn’t remember everything a first time mother should remember. I had so many thoughts of chemotherapy, radiation therapy, Mark’s death, sadness and grieving. Then in September my father died and I grieved more and more. I postponed the breast reconstruction of my right breast until March 2006. I decided I could not handle any more pain. I needed time to heal. I spent the first three months of 2006 in anxiety. I knew I was having an elective procedure but it was like being traumatized all over again. I was afraid. What if something goes wrong? Could these be my last few days with my family and friends? I grieved more over the idea of not being able to be here for Serena and that she was too young to remember me. I grieved over the thought of not having the opportunity to hear Serena say “I LOVE YOU, Mommy.” The day arrived for my surgery and on March 20, 2006 I had the right breast reconstruction using the Tram Flap procedure. Amazingly enough I felt so calm. My father in-law and my husband went to the Hospital with me. I know now that I was so calm because of the many wonderful people in my life that were praying for me. Serena stayed home with my mother in-law. I knew she would be in good hands. I held Serena that morning for a few minutes and told her how much I loved her and told her she was the best thing that ever happened to me and if anything happened during my surgery I knew my husband would tell her how much I loved her.
Surgery went well and I stayed at the hospital for a few days and then I was released to go home to recover. I took time off from work to heal physically and emotionally. Several family members came to Chicago to take care of Michael, Serena, and I. Thank you all for your support. You have been so GREAT. I returned to work in May and was glad to resume life as normal. I was looking forward to accepting and loving my “new” body. I was also looking forward to becoming a stronger individual again. I had been given a second opportunity in life and I had plan to make 2006 a year to learn to love myself and renew my relationships with my family and friends but most importantly working on my relationship with my husband. He never left me and still loves me.
I obtained a copy of the biopsy report and even though I am not a physician I understood “carcinoma and complete excision recommended”. I went home and e-mailed my family and closest friends. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone on the phone. I was devastated and felt I could not be strong to talk to anyone. The following weeks were chaotic trying to deal with a newborn baby and dealing with being diagnosed with Stage 2B cancer. I saw two surgeons and they both had different recommendations and I was so confused. I didn’t know what to do. I remember one afternoon sitting at the park and holding Serena and crying and wondering would I be here for my baby. Was it too late? My cell phone rang and it was Kimberly. She asked/begged me to go to Northwestern and get a third opinion. So I did. I was able to get an appointment immediately and I was so impressed by the surgeon, Dr. Kevin Bethke who sat down with me and discussed my options that I decided that he would be my surgeon. We decided to proceed with four sessions of chemotherapy to see if we could reduce the tumor. The tumor was so large that the breast would have to be removed if the chemotherapy was not able to reduce it. I started the chemotherapy and continued working during the treatments. I really believe it helped to keep me focus and not to fall apart. I kept telling myself I am the one who supports my family financially. They need me to be strong. Sure there were days that I wanted to crawl into a hole and cry and not come out but I told myself I had too many people relying on me. Everyone at home and at work was very supportive. I couldn’t have done this without their support.
The day I cried the hardest was when I lost my hair. I cut my hair very short in October to help me deal with the imminent lose of my hair but I was ever so wrong when I thought that the day I would start losing my hair it would not be so painful. I was taking a bath when I noticed my hair started falling off. I cried so hard that I didn’t even realize I was crying that hard until I heard my husband run upstairs to the bathroom to see what was wrong. I couldn’t stop crying. I cried and cried and cried. Soon after my hair started to fall I decided to get a wig so two of my girlfriends (Marilyn and Maria) went with me to a special shop where they specialized on women losing hair. I bought a wig and I had them shave the rest of my hair off so that we could fit the wig. That day my girlfriends cried for me. I didn’t cry. Perhaps, it was because I shed my tears already for the loss of my hair. I wore the wig for a few weeks but every time I went to the bathroom I would look in the mirror and I would tell myself how ugly I look. One day I decided that I couldn’t continue wearing the wig and I took it off. I remember going to work almost in tears afraid on how people would respond. Everyone was GREAT. They told me how beautiful I looked. I remember walking into a meeting with all the CFOs and no one said anything, except for Randy, the Executive CFO. He walked in and saw me and he asked if he could rub my head and I told him yes, but that I would not make any of his dreams come true. We laughed and I thought to myself Thank You for taking this awful shame away from me (being bald can make you quite self-conscious).
Well, my four chemo treatments finished and the tumor was still too large so the decision was made to have a masectomy of the right breast. I also decided to have a left breast reduction at the same time. I’ve always wanted smaller breasts I just never thought it would occur by getting cancer. So on December 14, 2004 I checked into Northwestern University Hospital with my three best girlfriends (Kim, Marilyn, and Maria) and my husband. Having a masectomy is awful. I remember looking at my body and thinking how ugly I am. How can my husband still love me? I needed my husband and did not want to lose him but didn’t know how to deal with everything. Getting cancer impacts your life at home and at work. It can destroy your relationship with your spouse. It can tear you down physically and emotionally. My friends and family tried to be supportive and would try to be positive but they did not know the extreme of my pain. I had become a bad wife, a bad mother, a bad employee, a bad employer, a bad friend, etc. You lose confidence in everything.
2005 was an awful year for me and my family. I spent the beginning of the year completing the last four sessions of chemotherapy and then started six weeks of radiation therapy. I was trying to deal with the loss of my breast and the loss that I felt at home and at work. Then in March my brother in-law died due to complication of pneumonia. He was only 35 years old and finished his last treatment for testicular cancer. I grieved so hard for Mark. I had survivor guilt. After all, why did Mark have to die? We both dealt with our cancers as if we had long-term flu. We had planned to go to Europe to celebrate once we finished our treatments. We were both excited. I went into a deeper sadness and I didn’t want anyone to see it. I would go into counseling and all I could express was profound sadness in my life. In August my baby girl turned one and I grieved that I couldn’t remember everything a first time mother should remember. I had so many thoughts of chemotherapy, radiation therapy, Mark’s death, sadness and grieving. Then in September my father died and I grieved more and more. I postponed the breast reconstruction of my right breast until March 2006. I decided I could not handle any more pain. I needed time to heal. I spent the first three months of 2006 in anxiety. I knew I was having an elective procedure but it was like being traumatized all over again. I was afraid. What if something goes wrong? Could these be my last few days with my family and friends? I grieved more over the idea of not being able to be here for Serena and that she was too young to remember me. I grieved over the thought of not having the opportunity to hear Serena say “I LOVE YOU, Mommy.” The day arrived for my surgery and on March 20, 2006 I had the right breast reconstruction using the Tram Flap procedure. Amazingly enough I felt so calm. My father in-law and my husband went to the Hospital with me. I know now that I was so calm because of the many wonderful people in my life that were praying for me. Serena stayed home with my mother in-law. I knew she would be in good hands. I held Serena that morning for a few minutes and told her how much I loved her and told her she was the best thing that ever happened to me and if anything happened during my surgery I knew my husband would tell her how much I loved her.
Surgery went well and I stayed at the hospital for a few days and then I was released to go home to recover. I took time off from work to heal physically and emotionally. Several family members came to Chicago to take care of Michael, Serena, and I. Thank you all for your support. You have been so GREAT. I returned to work in May and was glad to resume life as normal. I was looking forward to accepting and loving my “new” body. I was also looking forward to becoming a stronger individual again. I had been given a second opportunity in life and I had plan to make 2006 a year to learn to love myself and renew my relationships with my family and friends but most importantly working on my relationship with my husband. He never left me and still loves me.
Monday, February 5, 2007
Met with the Oncologist, Dr. Karen Louie today to discuss CT
Today I met with Dr. Louie to discuss the results of the CT I had on January 31, 2007. The CT was compared to the previous one done on December 13, 2006. Unfortunately, it showed that the left apical mass has grown from 5cm to 9cm, there are several smaller masses on the left which measures at 3cm (these lie in the distribution of the lingula) and lastly the largest mass which is in my lower lobe is still at 14cm, alhough the radiologist did say it seems visually larger.
Therefore, Dr. Louie and I agreed that we need to proceed to change the chemo regimen. I will start an oral chemotherapy drug named Xeloda. I will take it twice a day for fourteen days and then rest one week. Dr. Louie said the second week will "wipe me out". So I will have the third week to recuperate before I start the regimen again. We will try this for two cycles or three depending on how I feel. We have also agreed that I will see the Radiation Oncologist about radiating the left apical mass since it has grown to 9cm it is placing alot of pressure on my left side. So my left side of the neck, shoulder, chest, and head hurts. If the mass continues to grow my discomfort in this area will grow to severe pain.
Dr. Louie also suggested that I look into clinical trials so I am going to check with the Dana Farber Cancer Institute as I read in the CURE magazine that they are doing studies on Triple Negative Disease. I will also be following up with Dr. Fleming at UOC and Dr. Van Roenn at NW as to any clinical trials they may have which I would qualify.
I ask that you all continue to pray for Michael and I as we continue on our Cancer Journey. This has been very difficult for the both of us. We so appreciate the support we are getting from our family, friends, coworkers, church family members, etc... We are so touched by eveyone who have reached out to us. God Bless You all.
On the bright side I cannot possbly end this without telling you that our BEAUTIFUL baby girl is doing GREAT. She is growing everyday. She talks all the time. I LOVE how she comes home at the end of the day and runs into the house to give me a hug. She has the look in her face of "I've missed you Mom". I LOVE IT!!!! I am new on this "blog" thing so as I get better I will post pictures so that you all can see how really beautiful our daughter has become.
Goodnight for now and stay in touch.
Therefore, Dr. Louie and I agreed that we need to proceed to change the chemo regimen. I will start an oral chemotherapy drug named Xeloda. I will take it twice a day for fourteen days and then rest one week. Dr. Louie said the second week will "wipe me out". So I will have the third week to recuperate before I start the regimen again. We will try this for two cycles or three depending on how I feel. We have also agreed that I will see the Radiation Oncologist about radiating the left apical mass since it has grown to 9cm it is placing alot of pressure on my left side. So my left side of the neck, shoulder, chest, and head hurts. If the mass continues to grow my discomfort in this area will grow to severe pain.
Dr. Louie also suggested that I look into clinical trials so I am going to check with the Dana Farber Cancer Institute as I read in the CURE magazine that they are doing studies on Triple Negative Disease. I will also be following up with Dr. Fleming at UOC and Dr. Van Roenn at NW as to any clinical trials they may have which I would qualify.
I ask that you all continue to pray for Michael and I as we continue on our Cancer Journey. This has been very difficult for the both of us. We so appreciate the support we are getting from our family, friends, coworkers, church family members, etc... We are so touched by eveyone who have reached out to us. God Bless You all.
On the bright side I cannot possbly end this without telling you that our BEAUTIFUL baby girl is doing GREAT. She is growing everyday. She talks all the time. I LOVE how she comes home at the end of the day and runs into the house to give me a hug. She has the look in her face of "I've missed you Mom". I LOVE IT!!!! I am new on this "blog" thing so as I get better I will post pictures so that you all can see how really beautiful our daughter has become.
Goodnight for now and stay in touch.
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