Friday, February 23, 2007
A breaking heart
My heart is breaking. Sabina is coughing at lot at night; it is tough to get a full night of sleep. One night in particular, she wanted to lie on her back next to me ( usually she is propped up a bit with some pillows). This turned out to be a poor choice: she could not take her next breath, then she could not talk. I quickly rose above her and pulled her into a sitting position; after a few moments she took a breath. We both had to admit that it was an anxiety provoking experience. She now tries to sleep at about a 45 deree angle with her knees bent. I have to admit it is tough watching Sabina go through this experience. It does make me angry. I have to admit that. While it does make me sad, my heart is breaking, it also makes me angry. I don't know how to deal with the anger. I think that the sadness is socially acceptable, but the anger is not easily delt with. I think of Serena. I want to be the best father I can be for her, and be the best example I can of how to deal with what life throws your way. I love her so much. And I love Sabina so much. That is what makes all of this so painful.
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9 comments:
my thoughts are always with u and serena. i pray that god will give u strength to get thru this. always in my heart and thought
My heart goes out to you, Sabina, and Serena. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry that you guys have to go through this. May God watch over you and give you the strength you need to get through this.
Love,
Carmen,
(Paul & Skyler)
Michael – You absolutely, positively DESERVE to be angry. You should never feel ashamed about your anger and you certainly don’t need to hide it from those of us who love you. In addition to profound sadness, guilt, loss and a host of other emotions, I too feel extremely angry that Sabina has to go through this. I too am angry that you and Serena have to go through this. I am even angry that we have to go through this with you (even though I wouldn’t have it any other way). I suppose we will always be angry, but the question is will we allow ourselves to find acceptance for what has happened? I believe acceptance is the key to managing this debilitating anger that we feel. I also believe it is necessary. Please know that Ray and I are here for you – whatever, whenever, wherever. We love you.
Michael:
I have to agree with Christy, you have every right to feel anger. It is this anger, sadness, and other emotions along with the Grace of God that will fuel us and allow us to withstand whatever may come. Remember that you have people close to you to whom you can reach out to. Continue to hold on to faith and know that God will guide and lead us wherever we may go.
Love,
Leila and Mom
Dear Michael, Sabina and Serena,
WOW! How brave, how battered, bruised and BLESSED!
This journey is as ugly as it gets and don't let anybody tell you differently.
I honor your hurt and anger and your cry inside and out for an answer to this raw question of...WHY!
Unfortunatly "Why" is not a good question...and in life why questions turn us into bitter painful, caustic, lonely people, with no ability to help ourselves and certainly no one else.
The answer is "ALWAYS" in the question. Questions, are like echos that respond back to you in the same voice you ask.
Good questions = good answers! Bad questions = bad answers!
For example... A bad question...Why did Lucificer start this whole sin problem in the first place? There is No answer and a never ending pain of WHY?
Good question...God, when Lucifer tried to take over a perfectly good situation..why did You allow for all mankind to see that one day You would prove that LOVE will win in the end.
Love is winning right now Michael, Sabina and Serena. The very fact that you are all three breathing, feeling angry and feeling love, is God saying...Whatever happens here I am in control and I will see you through this valley of the shadow.
Grandma Yancey turns 87 tomorrow...that's 31,755 days living a life of pain and pleasure and 7,621,20 hours she has been living life asking good questions.
Today we looked at the receipts for two $4.00 dollar grave sites for her twin babies she lost at birth in 1943. She told me she could still hear them crying after all these years. Proof that memory is a powerful reality.
She is one brave lady and today even though she is very ill with her asthma, so told me she knows the Lord will give her strength to the end no matter what.
She told me that 87 years ago the snow was as high as fence post at Medical Lake, Washington and when her dad went to town he had to go
by sleigh.
She said when he got home from town she was born and they kept her in a incabator for three months and it cost him $600.00 that's 1920 when you could buy a new car for $265.00.
Michael, Sabina and Serena you are three very special people to all of us in your circle of influence. We know you have come into our lives for a very wonderful reason.
No one knows but that tomorrow we will be where you are and even in a more challenging situation.
Life is tough, very tough and we need each other to lash out at and cry out to and get angry at and test the limits of our personal pain.
It's only then that we can breath a sigh, did I say (cry) of relief and bellow like a mother cow bawling for her baby...I believe...help though my unbelief.
Now like Grandma Yancey...you hold on a little longer and don't give in, for we are all on the learning team in this journey and right now you are taking the licking for all of us.
We owe you our deepest respect and honor in this battle and assure you of our love as we attempt to be with you every step you take.
God Bless non-stop!
Dave & Monika Yancey
PS: When the outlook seems dark and the future perplexing and you feel helpless and alone, the Comforter will be sent in answer to the prayer of faith...you are never alone.
I am so sorry for what you are going through, Michael. I, too, think that it is totally natural and understandable for you to be feeling angry. Please don't feel that you need to apologize for your feelings.
I came in today wanting to share with Sabina the lyrics from a song we sang in my church yesterday. My eyes welled up thinking of her, and I couldn't keep singing. I think the words are poignant and are a reminder to all of us that, no matter our circumstances or the length of our days, all we have to cling to is the Lord and His promises.
I have a Maker,
He formed my heart;
Before even time began,
my life was in His hand.
He knows my name;
He knows my every thought;
He sees each tear that falls,
and hears my when I call.
I have a Father,
He calls me His own;
He'll never leave me,
no matter where I go.
You know my name;
You know my every thought;
You see each tear that falls,
You hear me when I call.
You hear my when I call.
(Tommy Walker)
May you feel His presence in these days...
It helps to say it, doesn't it?!? Nobody can completely appreciate what you're going through, Michael, but I can tell you that you will run through the gamut of emotions. Just know that each and every one of them is "normal" and that you should not feel guilty about any of them. I am still angry..angry about losing Mark, angry about being thrown into single parenthood unexpectedly, angry about Sabina, angry that you have to go through this, too. I love you all very much. I wish I could do something to make things easier on all of you..just know that I am thinking of you and that if ever you need to talk to someone who knows a bit about what you're going through, I am here.
Sabina and Michael,
It breaks my heart to know that you and your family are going through so much pain. I wish that there was something that all of us could do to take away your pain and suffering. I have been thinking a lot about you and praying to God that He gives you the strength to overcome such devastating times.
You are both on my thought and prayers!
Love,
Mara Felt
Fort Myers, FL
Hi everyone! Dave Yancey here on the left coast of our great land.
Hi Brandy, it was very nice to see your name and to hear your thoughts regarding loosing Mark and the challenges your face on a daily basis.
Sabina, it appears you and Michael have brought us all together to have a "Talk fest" regarding those we love and those we miss.
I would be happy to hear from any of you at my e-mail which is dave@popopen.net.
We each see this Cancer journey from our own life experience and it is very comforting to hear the communication that brings about the healing process in an affirming way.
My personal perspective is one where as a pastor we sometimes feel we have a little edge and when Grandpa Yancey got sick with the big "C" I had a come to Jesus meeting.
Perhaps some of you are not aware that I had his funeral thirty one years ago this June 29th 1976.
First I remember standing beside the left side of his bed holding his right in my right hand in a position like we were arm wrestling.
He said quietly...Dave, it doesn't look like I'm going to make it. Will you have my funeral? Very softly I said, sure Dad!
With those final two words of agreement I had a brief prayer with him and never saw him again until his funeral.
Shortly after I flew back to Canada where I was a pastor. I waited and talked to God and Mom on a daily basis until Dad took his last breath.
When I returned for his funeral I sat in his study in Plymouth, Indiana looking through his Bible and asking good questions, such as...What can I learn from this experience that will make be a more caring Dad, a more understanding pastor, and a more thoughtful friend.
The reason I could ask these questions is because I had leared a very hard and painful lesson about myself and others.
I asked God alot of very tough questions. Like Why, with all the miserable people drunk in the streets could He not let one of them die and let Dad live? Why if He was the God of miracles could He not grant such a simple request of someone like me serving Him? Why could He not wait until my first born son could be held by my Dad and then let Cancer take him? Why did he have to leave us all in such a difficult financial situation with houses unfinished and plans unfulfilled? Why? Why?
Then all at once as if I had taken a sip of a hot cup of coffee, the lights came on.
I Stopped asking WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I changed my state (no not the state of Washington my birth state for the state of Indiana) but my state of mind, my state of heart, my attitude.
I said to God...You created my Dad right! He said...Right! You could heal him if you wanted to right! He said Right! You made me right! God said...Right! You created my wife and my new son yet to be born...God said...You are Right! God, You are smarter than me...God said...You are so Right!
I took a deeeeep breath and said. Alright, God I trust You completely, You know the end from the beginning. You knew this day would come. You know how to care for every person you have ever created so if you made my dad once I believe you can make him new again.
Here was the most difficult part...I said God...If in your opinion it is OK for my dad to die, I trust you and will not ask why ever again.
That moment, my burden was lifted, peace came into my heart and I began to breath again. Now after thirty-one years I still do not ask why.
Oh yes, I forgot to tell you...I then picked up a pen on Dad's desk and wrote these words...July 1st 1976 at 9:15 am.
To rest in Christ no greater peace can mortal man dare ask. To lean on Him...this is our daily task. To trust His will when all about seems dark and cold and chill. To obey His voice till brightness fills the sky...and Christ Himself will come again and give the reason WHY!
Michael, Sabina and Serena and your special loving circle of friends. We are all hurting, we are all sad, we are all angry... and I pray with you, that as we participate in this healing process that we will choose to continue to discuss, encourage and lift up each other during this most difficult time.
God Bless non-stop!
Dave & Monika Yancey
PS: dave@popopen.net
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