Friday, March 30, 2007
The Road to Peace
The road to peace begins with a prayer. Sabina and I attended a prayer service at the Hinsdale church Wednesday night. A number of church members attended and Pastor Ron invited all there to pray for Sabina, me and Serena. Especially Sabina. Sabina, at one point in the service, was at the front speaking about how she hoped her life, or her death, would flulfill God's will. I could see the peace of the Holy Spirit in her as she spoke these words. The road that we have been on has not been smooth. Especially for Sabina. But she is at peace. And there is prayer. We are so thankful for those who are praying. The peace is Sabina's life is truly a gift.
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19 comments:
I just don't know how the 2 of you do it, Michael. You are both so very brave in the face of this horrible situation. I hope it comforts you both to know what inspirations you are to everyone around you. Truly. We are all pulling for you, praying for you, hurting for you, crying for you..Most of all, we all love you. Thanks so much for keeping everyone informed with this blog.
Michael,
My family and I have been praying for the 3 of you everyday. How awesome are God's promises for us on Earth and when we make it to heaven. God is taking care of you all during the good and bad moments daily. You're an inspiration Michael and Sabina is so blessed to have you as her spouse and vice versa. Your family is loved and God will always stand by you. He laughs with you and crys with you. Be well.
Thank you for the gift you brought to us on Wednesday night. It helped us see that God is real, that He has given you guys peace in the midst of the storm. By the grace of God I will live to see you and all of God's children in eternity where all of these diseases, suffering and uncertainty will be finally over for the Lord Himself will be with us. For now His presence is continuous through the eyes of faith. May we remain in His loving arms every hour as we pass through the last days of this disorganized, spinning world.
We are praying for you 3. Let's wait on the Lord. He is never wrong. He has all the power and He has guaranteed us eternal life by the blood of Jesus.
Peace. Thank you Michael for using that word as it provides a strange feeling of comfort during a time I didn’t think it could be found. We all realize that Sabina is dying. And yet, I have come to understand that nothing could be further from the truth. Sabina is LIVING!! Yes, her time on this earth is short and the road is painful. But she continues to live. Through her faith in God and your love in her, she has been fortunate enough to find acceptance. Some people in her position might sink into a depression and hide under the covers in bed. Not our Sabina. She continues to talk on the phone and laugh with us. She continues to go into the city for group therapy and lunches with her friends. She continues to work on the precious gifts she is leaving for Serena. She continues to reach out to others at work and church. This sounds a little hoaky, but I like to imagine her as a melting candle whose flame just won’t burn out.
Mike and Sabina,
We're all out here in cyberspace praying for you,thinking about you,loving you. Sabina, your testimony at church on Wednesday will stay with me all my days.What a powerful witness for our Lord Jesus. Despite what doctors or any mortal human can say, only our Lord has the final say. So we keep praying...
Sabina, I know you hate the fact that you got cancer. I know you would give anything to have more time with Michael, Serena, and your family and friends. And, I know you struggle with the fact that you cannot protect us from the pain we are feeling. It has been difficult for us to watch you go through the physical and emotional pain of this journey. I began the grieving process from the moment I heard your cancer was back. I was afraid to admit it to you because I didn’t want you to think that I don’t have hope. Yes, I do have hope but I was overcome with fear of losing you. For a long time I demanded to know why this happened. Now, I have accepted that there is no rational explanation. I also experienced extreme rage and questioned how the doctors could have failed to prevent the cancer from returning. Now, I have accepted that this cancer is beyond their control. I have done a lot of crying and even experience survivor’s guilt. The crying has not yet stopped, but the guilt is slowly subsiding because of you. I want to thank you so much for having the strength and courage to find acceptance and be at peace because that makes it okay for me to find acceptance and be at peace. This is one of the many gifts you will leave us. If this cancer journey ends abruptly, I want you to know that I will miss you. Oh’ God I will miss you. But I don’t think I will be angry anymore. I don’t think I will ask why. I don’t think I will feel guilty. I know you have done your research and have fought this disease with all your might. I am so thankful for our last visit with you and the talk we shared. There isn’t anything that has not been said between us. Thank you for helping me to heal. Yes, I will you miss you terribly. And I will probably cry, but I will also smile when I think about you and the times we shared together. Sabina, I want you to know that I will be okay. In time we all will be okay because of you.
I love reading Christy's comments. She is so encouraging and always fighting for you, Sabina. But, remember, both of you, that anger is a normal and, if handled appropriately, healthy human emotion, just as fear, sadness, frustration, and confusion are. There is no reason to feel guilty about any of these emotions; after all, God created us to be emotional creatures. He does not expect us to deny them; just to work with them. He knows there will be times when we are angry with Him, even, and that we will have unanswered questions. He does not deny us any of these. He only wants us to remember that our questions will be answered in due time and that He is ALWAYS here for us, even when we are angry with Him. If you weren't angry about Sabina's cancer at some point, you would not truly be dealing with it - you would be in denial. The grieving process is not an easy one and certainly not a brief one. Just when you've worked through one stage/emotion, you are hit with another, and sometimes those that you think you have already conquered come back around again. Again, this is what makes us human, this is part of loving someone as much as we all love and adore Sabina. Don't let your anger run your life, but don't let yourself or others make you feel guilty for being angry, either. Your anger, just as the other stages of your individual grieving process, will help you work your way through it.
Brandey – We don’t know each other but I hope we will meet one day. Thank you for your words of wisdom. You wouldn’t know this but I actually have a very difficult time expressing my feelings (and I certainly didn’t expect to find myself blogging about them!). So I am glad that my love for Sabina comes through in my writing. I realize the grieving process is normal and different for everyone. I also understand the grieving timeline is different for everyone. This blog is about Sabina’s journey, not mine. But I realize that Sabina needs to know in her heart that her loved ones will be okay. So I would like to share some more thoughts in hopes that it will encourage someone to start healing and provide this assurance to Sabina. I truly feel that I am on the road to peace. Ironically it is Sabina who leads me on this path. Let me explain. She has written on this blog about the way that she internalized her suffering with the first diagnosis. To paraphrase, she said she thought she would get through the so many weeks of treatments and then put it behind her. Now looking back, I think I was actually relieved that she internalized it at the time because it made it easier for me to cope. I didn’t have to talk about it. I didn’t have to deal with it. I didn’t know how. If we had lost Sabina after the first diagnosis, I would have lived with the regret of not having said the things I needed to say. I would not have healed. I know this because that was the path I took after losing other loved ones in my life. With the second diagnosis, Sabina has talked openly. She exposes her most intimate and honest feelings. By doing this she has inspired me to work through mine. What a GIFT! The road to peace is a continuous process and it is not easy, but at least I am feeling. At least I am healing. Sabina’s life serves many purposes. She is a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a mentor. She has touched many people in many ways. She has given me a second chance at healing. People lose loved ones unexpectedly every day. I hope Sabina will be with us for a LONG time, but how fortunate are we to have a second chance to get it right? I know I am.
On another note, if anyone would like to contribute to Sabina’s Storybook for Serena (a book of stories about Sabina’s life) and you have not received an email from me, please write to me at cttant@aol.com.
I hope we meet someday, too, Christy! And you are right, I find it hard to believe that it is hard for you to express yourself, as you have written such thoughtful, loving comments!!
And I know exactly what you mean about what an inspiration Sabina (and Michael) has been. She has definitely made me take a step back from my own journey through grief and made me realize that there is peace to be found even amidst all of the other emotions that we tangle with. One of my friends from graduate school used to always say to me as I stressed about midterms, finals, clinicals, etc, "Small victories, Brandey, small victories!" Sabina's blog (and the comments from you and others) have helped me remember to seek those "small victories" in my own life again. Cherish each day, seems to be Sabina and Michael's mantra. Sometimes it is to hard to remember to strive for the successes that are within our reach as we climb towards the larger, out-of-reach ones. One day I hope to find lasting peace in my own journey through the grieving process. Right now, I feel peace at times, but in my own experience, sometimes completely out of the blue, the anger, frustration, sadness, and emptiness return even if only briefly. Through Sabina and her blog, I have been reminded to tackle those times as she tackles each and every day...one day at a time, as if Sabina is now saying to me, "Small victories, Brandey, small victories!" Thanks for all that you have shared, Christy.
Dear Sabina and Michael, I'm just sending along a quick note to tell you that we're all praying up here on the frozen tundra :) It's a snowy, blowy, cold day here in Wisconsin and if I let it, the gray day could turn into a gray mood. Ain't that just the way Satan wants it to be!? Sometimes the cloudy skies just overwhelm us and we succumb to despair. Whenever it threatens to get that way for me, I click on your site. Your situation is so challenging and yet, you find joy in each day! You celebrate each blessing! You guys are an inspiration to me and I'm sure everyone else who is following your blog. Thanks again for sharing. Barb
Thank you for sharing your journey -- it has been a tremendous blessing to myself and others. I don't know how you do it! Sharing this journey with the world would be the last thing I would think of in your situation. My prayers are with all of you. This text/song came to mind during recent prayer:
He is our peace,
who has broken down every wall.
He is our peace. . .
Cast all your cares on Him
For He cares for you. . .
He is our peace.
From Eph. 2:14 & 1 Peter 5:7
Surely through this journey many walls have been broken down -- people from all over the world have come together to pray for healing at many levels.
My prayer is for God to grant your wishes for peace, and to grant you a little more time.
Thank you again for sharing.
Just thinking about all of you today and praying for you.
Dave,
Good Day! Sabina, Michael and Serena.
I have not connected with you for several weeks and could not allow another minute to pass without letting you know if I have thought about you once it has been a hundred times.
I am in Canada now and when it rains it is raining...and when the sun is shining is is beautiful.
Something like life...when it rains it pours and when you have your health you have everything and life is a beautiful thing.
One of my favorite passages of scripture is Isiaiah 41:10 it reads, Fear not for I am with you, be not dismayed for I am your God, I will strengthen, you I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand."
Sounds like a "Proposal" doesn't it. The promise is made three times, I will, I will, I will.
Once would have been enough, but He did not want us to ever question His passion for each of our hearts.
The world around us is like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour...and we are invited to turn away from the sound of fear and repeat slowly...There is a place of quiet rest, near to the heart of God...a place where all is joy and peace...a place of comfort sweet...Near to the heart of God.
I was inspired today when I read that Tony Snow the White House Press Secretary is to return to work tomorrow.
He was speaking to his thirty year reunion class of Davidson College in Davidson, NC and in a press conference he was asked about his return...He said, "God hasn't promised us tomorrow, but He has promised us eternity." WOW!!
I would say, he was spot on. Or as a pilot would say...Landing on the center line!
Michael, I cast my vote for you even if you are not running for an office. Sabina, I wish you continued health and peace and Serena...you are special!
All The Best!
Dave & Monika Yancey
Dear Michael and Sabina,
I want to echo Dave and Monika's sentiments. If I've prayed for you once...I've prayed a hundred times. You may not know till you reach heaven how many prayers were being said for you while you walked through this dark valley.
Another hymn that Dave has probably already thought of is this one:
There'll be no dark valleys when Jesus comes....
There'll be no dark valleys when Jesus comes to gather His loved ones home!
I like that word GATHER don't you? It reminds me of the promise in 1 Thessalonians 4:17 that says when He comes we'll all meet together before we continue our journey to heaven. I'll be lookin' for you guys on that wonderful cloud along with Mark and so many other family and friends! I can't wait for the voice of the archangel and the trumpet call of God! I'm longing for home...which is another wonderful old hymn :)
Blessigs~Barb
Dave - would you please email me at cttant@aol.com. Thank you!!
Dear Michael,
You and the family are so close in my prayers. Let's just pray that He comes soon and sorrow and mourning wll flee away.
Barb
Michael,
I don't know how else to contact you and tell you I am so sorry for the past days events. My heart hurts for you, Serena and your extended family. I was praying for you and Sabina at the time Sabina passed away and am continuing to pray for you and your family. I am here for any of you if you need a listening ear.
Michael & Serena,
My thoughts and prayers are with you at this most difficult time. Sabina made this world a better place. She had a beautiful smile and an infectious laugh.
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