Upon my return from the Breast Cancer Conference I went to see my Oncologist, Dr. Louie and while she was listening to my heart she made the comment that my heart was racing very fast. I informed her that it had been racing over the last two weeks but I thought it had to do with the Xeloda. Fortunately, for me there is a Cardiology group across the hallway and Dr. Louie made a call and they agreed to see me quickly. An EKG and EchoCardiogram was done and my heart rate was 133. However, my heart muscle seem to be very strong so the Cardiologist thought that there might be fluid near the lungs that is putting pressure on my heart to beat so quickly so he suggested that I see a Pulmonologist. I called to make an appointment and could not get in until March 20th. I was so concerned about my heart that I decided to see my family doctor for a second opinion. As usual, Dr. Spratford is wonderful and agreed to see me on Tuesday. Dr. Spratford ordered an x-ray and there appeared to be lots of fluid in the left lung so he called a pulmonologist and it was decided that due to the complex masses on my left lung I would need to be hospitalized in order to attempt to remove the fluid and relieve the pressure on my heart. So on Tuesday afternoon I was admitted to Adventist La Grange Memorial Hospital. While I was in the hospital the Pulmologist attempted to perform a Thoriosentisis and stopped the procedure due to the unsuccessful attempt to remove the fluid. An Interventional Radiologist attempted the same procedure using more sophisticated equipment and was successful in removing 200cc of fluid (which unfortunately was not enough). I also saw a Cardiologist which was monitoring my heart as it was beating rapidly even while I was in the hospital. Dr. Spratford consulted with the Cardiologist regarding surgery and was told I only had a 50/50 chance of pulling through the surgery so we decided it was not worth the risk.
On Saturday I saw Dr. Spratford and with great sadness he told me that he did everything he could to try to help me. The tumors have pushed my heart up and to the right which explains why it is beating so hard as it has less space to function. I understood this to mean that there is only so much pressure my heart can take and I was correct. Dr. Spratford recommended that I move forward with Hospice Care because it is a matter now that I may not die of the cancer but rather a heart related problem. Of course, I was devasted and Dr. Spratford was devastated as well and we both shed some tears. So I was discharged from the Hospital and I went home and called my family to share the sad news. Only God knows how much time I have on this earth, however, the amount of time suggested by my doctor was perhaps a few weeks.
I want to mention that while I was in the hospital I was being well taken care of by the staff but my favorite nurse was "Sue". She was very compassionate and loving and cried with me while I was in the hospital. She even visited with me on Saturday before I was discharged.
On Sunday we meet with a nurse from St. Thomas and she seemed very compassionate. We decided to not move forward with St. Thomas until I confirmed with my Oncologist that she agreed with Dr. Spratford. On Monday I spoke to Dr. Louie and she agreed that there was nothing more that chemotherapy can do for me.
At first I had accepted that I am dying and will spend the next few weeks with family and friends enjoying the company. However, tonight after much thought I have decided to seek a second opinion regarding my heart condition. Afterall, if this is the end what do I have to lose seeking a second opinion.
So I ask each of you to pray for my family. I especially ask that you pray for Michael as he is so angry and is not ready to accept that I am dying. I ask for you to pray for Serena that she will understand that someday mommy will need to leave and will not come back. And I ask you to pray for me that even though I will no longer be here to take care of Michael and Serena that I have assurance and faith that God will take care of Michael and Serena.
Thank you all for continued support and prayers.
We can still hope for the best but we must prepare ourselves for the worst.
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16 comments:
I don't know what I can say to "help," but please know that there are more people praying for you than you can even imagine. It is OK for you and Michael to be angry, Sabina. None of this is fair and it certainly isn't easy. You aren't the only ones angry about your situation, either..everyone who loves you is angry and confused, too. Answers aren't easy to come by in these situations. Hopefully, there is some comfort in knowing how loved you are and how many people are supporting you and pulling for you. I love you.
Dear Sabina, The congregation from the Wisconsin Rapids Church are faithful prayer warriors and will be holding you up through whatever lies ahead. You're often in my thoughts. Barb
Sabina, I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said. I am crying for you, for Michael, for Serena, and we are all praying for you guys. The unfairness of your situation and the frustration in not being able to help make me angry, too. Know that your intelligence, humor, love for people, and bravery make you a blessing to all you meet. And, as you saw when Brandey lost Mark, family and friends will flock to Michael and Serena. We love you, beautiful lady.
My Dad reminded me of this song that I found comforting, so I thought I would share.
Farther along we'll know more about it,
Farther along we'll understand why.
Cheer up my brother, walk in the sunshine,
We'll understand it all by and by.
Life is not making sense to us right now, but there is hope that one day it will all become clear.
Love ya....b
Sabina - You are truly a precious, courageous Woman of God, and never far from my thoughts and prayers. What a privilege it is for me to know you. You are an inspiration. We all know that life here is temporary, but until we are slapped in the face with that reality, I am thinking that we really don't feel what that means. I pray that God will give you and Michael an increased measure of faith, peace and strength. I love you, Sabina. Connie Schneider
Sabina--
I am a cousin of Brandey's and was just directed to your website. You truly are a courageous person and I think that the second opinion is a great idea.
I too will hold you up in prayer and will let my daughters know so they can pray as well. I know a whole 'nother church prayer chain out in Pennsylvania too, and I am going to forward the request on to them. Trust me that a LOT of people will be praying for you and your family.
We do not always understand God's reasons, but we must trust regardless.
In Christian love and prayer,
Rhonda in Wisconsin
Dear Sabina, Michael & Serena,
I have been staying apprised of your progress, or lack thereof, since you made your blog a public matter. I have found it heart wrenching, dramatic, and very powerful.
I can't begin to imagine the physical and emotional pain you all endure on a daily basis. While it is all quite terrible I can't help but think that you are also fortunate. All the unimportant "stuff" in our everyday lives have a habit of taking over. We can get angry and say nasty things to those we love not realizing how quickly life can be obliterated. I would imagine you are living your life at a higher level at this point.
Appreciate those you have to the fullest extent while you can. One day, Sabina, you will be gone and those who are left will be sorry to see you go. Your influence and strength are great! Your husband will be grateful and blessed for having known you. Your daughter will become you one day and everyone will tell her how amazing her Mommy was!
Many prayers go out to all of you...one can never pray enough!
Dear Sabina & Family,
In Ephesians 4:26-27 it says be ye angry and sin not, let not hte sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil. It is ok to be angry but know that God is still in control and He is worthy to be praised. In Matthew 26:39 Jesus prayed ...O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt. Jesus prayed this prayer three times but it was still in his Fathers hands. Sabina you are in your Father's hands. All things that happen in a believers life God has allowed. Continue to trust in the Lord.
Dear God,
watch over Sabina, Micheal & Serena comfort their hearts. Keep your loving arms around them. We know that you are sitting on the throne and you are in control. Give Micheal peace in his heart so that he will not harbor bitterness. Watch over Serena as she grows into the woman that you would have her become. Give Sabina peace and comfort in her heart knowing one day she will be with you, with no more pain and sorrow. I ask these things trust and believing in Jesus name. Amen
Love in Christ
Seletia Catching
Sabina, Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that you and Michael feel His strong, loving arms of support and courage wrapped around you. May you find rest and comfort tonight. We love you! Jann Marks
Sabina, Michael & Serena,
I thank you for your courage in allowing me to join you on your journey. As painful as it is, it is one of unfledgling faith and a lesson to all of us who will some day face our own mortality. God will certainly bless all of you.
~namaste~
David
Sabina,
I think of you often, as others do too. We all miss you and can not even imagine what you,Michael & Serena (and your families) are going through. As you know, God is definately there for you too. We might not always understand what life has dealt to us, but we know that with God's help, family & friends that it does make life alittle easier.
You are a remarkable woman. A "rock". One that is driven and an inspiration to us all.
Michael,
You are a wonderful man for standing by your lovely Sabina. She certainly needs you,especially at this time.
Just know that you both are such a lovely couple and deserve more than what you are going through. God has a plan for us all. You will be a much stronger person by going through what you are going through at this time.
Little Serena,
Know that you have such wonderful parents. They just love you so much and we miss seeing you here at the office too.
We are all there for you along with many others. Keeping the faith & prayers going every day.
Love to you all.
Dear Sabina,
I am a friend of Connie Schneider who lives in Florida and is on an "internet prayer chain" with her. I read your story tonight and when I came to the end I cried at your request, "I ask you to pray for me that even though I will no longer be here to take care of Michael and Serena that I have assurance and faith that God will take care of Michael and Serena." Twenty-five years ago during chemotherapy treatments for breast cancer that was my prayer as I watched my 2 and 6 yr. old children playing. I was 29. I don't know why I am still alive except that tonight it is to pray for you. God brought me to a place of trust in his loving care for me and my husband and children even though I couldn't see through the darkness. I know He can do that for you as well. I'll be praying every night at midnight - a time when there is the promise of morning while the sky is still dark. Tonight my prayer for you is from the book of Psalms: "My heart quakes within me, and the terrors of death have fallen upon me. Fear and trembling have come over me, and horror overwhelms me. And I said, 'Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. I would flee to a far-off place and make my lodging in the wilderness. I would hasten to escape from the stormy wind and tempest.' But I will call upon God, and the LORD will deliver me. Cast your burden upon the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous stumble" Psalm 55:5-9.17.24 Sleep well, sweet Sabina . . .
jodie howell
Dave here on the left coast.
Hi Brave Michael, dearest Sabina and sweet little Serena.
It sure is comforting at times like these when we reach down so deep to bring up the very best that the human language can create to soothe our wounded hearts.
Trust and obey for there is no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey = Sabina, when you look into the eyes and listen to the hearts of those in your circle of love, may I ask you to ask your heart a good question. Can I trust these people, my husband, my family, my co-workers, my church family and yes, my Creator to take very good care of my precious little Serena and my husband and ALL those I love? If the answer is yes,that is the obey; of Trust and obey. Now you may close your eyes tonight and any and every night knowing All is being taken care of to the very best of everyone's ability while we are here on planet earth.
Sabina, you are our rose! If you have ever smelled a Mr. Lincoln rose you know how fragrant they are.
If you were to look from the ground up, you will see mostly thorns on the branches and I can tell you will hurt you and even cause you to bleed more than you can believe. I speak from experience.
But the reward of smelling a Mr. Lincoln is priceless.
Sabina, we are all embracing the rose bush of your life. We focused on getting a smell of the sweet fragrance of your life.
We must admit though that the thorn of losing you, of the separation from you, the thorn of not having your opinion, the thorn of seeing your suffer even for a moment, the thorn of your not being able to be the mother to Serena you always wanted to be. These thorns and so many others are causing us all hurt and pain for the moment.
But we keep looking up...up...up and there you are just beyond the thorns... Such a beautiful person. No one has ever been created like you in ALL the history of time, there you are above the thorns opening your life and heart and gentleness for all of us to enjoy and appreciate and marvel at. Even more beautiful and fragrant than a Mr. Lincoln rose.
Some may ask why couldn't we do without the thorns? Why couldn't your life be like an apple branch with an apple blossom?
Well...What is the gift of choice for a mother of a new born child? What do we spread in the isle for the new bride to walk on as she tip toes toward her groom? What do we share for the first anniversary? What do we bring home to our wife when we want to say, I Love You! What do we send for birthdays, and when life comes to an end? what do we send as a visual sign of our deepest love? Yes, nothing will do, but a rose.
Sabina, you have been a Special rose to all of us. We thank you for sharing the sweet fragrance of your life.
Like the smell of a Mr. Lincoln rose, once you smell it you can never forget it.
Sabina, we cannot and we will not EVER be able to forget you.
Just pause for a moment, I have never met you but because of your wonderful influence, I like thousands of others on planet earth have been brought together because of the testimony of your life and of Michaels life and of Serena's life.
Sabina, the thorns of this experience. What thorns? The fragrance of your life makes the thorns of death, pain, suffering, loneliness, anger, fear...grow strangely dim in the bright light of your life.
Sabina, I am determined that I will not allow anything to separate me from the love of God coming from the beauty of your life...Never give up...keep holding on to the love of God, and we will praise and thank Him for your coming into our lives and setting an example of trusting and obeying and being happy in Jesus.
Good night, sweet rose Sabina sweet rest and Good morning!
Dave & Monika
Sabina, between church and S.S. today I had some quiet time with my infant grand daughter as she was sleeping. The LORD directed me to Psalm 18 from which I pray for you tonight - Sabina loves you, Lord, You are her strength. You are her rock, her fortress and her deliverer. Yes,God! You are her rock in whom she takes refuge. You are her shield and her salvation, her stronghold. She can trust in You. (Ps. 18:1,2)
All,
I want to thank each of you for your kind words. I know many of you have told me what a blessing I am and have been to you, however, I want each of you to know that I am blessed by the words that you share here with me.
Thank you so much for sharing this journey with me. Thank you for giving me additional strength and support to continue on my struggle. I feel so much comfort in knowing that there are so many people out there praying for my family. I thank God for bringing each of you into my life at a time when I need support and love.
God Bless You.
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