Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Rays of Peace

I hope that I brought you as much joy as you brought me; as much happiness and pleasure that you provided me as well. The overwhelming sadness and sense of eternal loss that has soaked into every pore of my being left me burdened; it was crushing to see you lying on our bed, a place of refuge, of retreat, of love and comfort. Yet you were at peace. Through the months of suffering, especially the last few days, you were finally at peace. I was in bed with you, beside you, holding you, whispering in your ear. I kissed you. No one was in the room with us. I shed some tears; they fell upon your cold cheek. The peace that radiated from you like a beacon in the darkness of this world still semed to eminate from you, somehow filling the room with a quiet assurance. I told you that you were the greatest woman I had ever met and that you were more beautiful than when you walked down the aisle towards me on the day of our wedding. You were a gifted woman. You were a woman of vision, of determination, you were a person of hope and who inspired hope in others, but most of all you were a woman of integrity, someone who lived a life of virtue and honesty and who expected others to do the same. I admired all of these qualitites about you, but most of all I admired the integrity. I shed tears as I shared these things with you, as we were in bed together for the last time. Never again would we be this close physically in this life. I look forward to when we will see each other again, with your radiant face and your shining eyes. I know there will be rays of peace beaming from your face. It is your gift. I will always love you. As I promised you on our wedding day: 'I give you my undying love'. Thank you all for your prayers and support. I know that Sabina appreciated all of your efforts as well. Thank you.

Friday, March 30, 2007

The Road to Peace

The road to peace begins with a prayer. Sabina and I attended a prayer service at the Hinsdale church Wednesday night. A number of church members attended and Pastor Ron invited all there to pray for Sabina, me and Serena. Especially Sabina. Sabina, at one point in the service, was at the front speaking about how she hoped her life, or her death, would flulfill God's will. I could see the peace of the Holy Spirit in her as she spoke these words. The road that we have been on has not been smooth. Especially for Sabina. But she is at peace. And there is prayer. We are so thankful for those who are praying. The peace is Sabina's life is truly a gift.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

A BLESSED Service

On Thursday Michael and I were invited to attend a prayer service at Spinning Wheel which is where I work. The meeting rooms were full of individuals that I have worked with over the past few years. The Chaplain read from Psalms 139 and said many kind words about me.

I tried not to cry but the tears just fell from the very beginning as my fellow friends sang "Come to Jesus". I was so thankful that Michael was there with me as he held my hand and I cried. I was so touched that they were doing a prayer service for me. I felt so loved.

After the service we stood up and I hugged almost everyone (if not everyone) as they left the room. So many tears were shed and I want to thank everyone who was there to pray for me and my family. I also want to thank everyone who shed thier tears. This is a tragic story and I have shed many tears so I am thankful and grateful to all who want to shed tears along with me.

God Bless You All.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

A BEAUTIFUL Gift

On Tuesday Kelly, a photographer came to our home to take pictures of Serena and I. Serena warmed up to Kelly very fast. I LOVED how Kelly persuaded Serena to use her camera to take pictures of her bear, frog, and baby doll Kyla. After that Serena was willing to do almost anything Kelly asked. We took pictures of Serena and I reading, playing, walking, Serena jumping on our bed, eating, Serena and I holding hands, Serena giving mommy a kiss and so forth. It was one of the most BEAUTIFUL gifts ever given to me. I know that when Serena sees these pictures she will feel warmth and love in her heart. I want to thank everyone involved in giving this gift to me and my family. I never would have thought of such a gift and it means so much to me and my family. I also want to thank Kelly from the bottom of my heart for she is willing to not only create a CD for Serena but also willing to create a scrapbook for Serena to have forever. I am forever grateful. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Final Decision Has Been Made

On Friday, March 9th Michael and I went to see Dr. Jamie Von Roenn at Northwestern Hospital. After Dr. Von Roenn read the reports from my latest visit to the hospital we discussed what were my options. Dr. Von Roenn agreed with my oncologist that I should no longer take Xeloda. In her opinion it was time for me to stop searching around the world for the cure that is not out there for me. Dr. Von Roenn encouraged me to enjoy my remaining time with Michael and Serena. Of course, I cried. I told her that I felt as if I am "quitting" too soon and I have not done everything I can for Michael and Serena. She asked Michael if he agreed with me and as the wonderful husband that he is, of course, he told her I have done all I can. I still wept.

There is a part of me that feels I have failed Michael and Serena. That I should be fighting to the very end and then there is a part of me that is so happy to be off chemotherapy. I feel normal for the most part. I am on heart medication, cough medication, and pain medication which takes care of all my remaining problems. If you saw me or talked to me you would think all was well and yet there is this awful "thing" eating me alive in the inside. Isn't that ironic?

I really don't know how much time I have left and neither does the doctors. Dr. Von Roenn said that doctors are the worst "guessers". She would know. Her husband was told that he had a few months to live and he died within a few weeks. I made the comment that it must have been more difficult to lose him so quickly and her response was "not really." After all, she still grieves the loss of the future she was to have with her husband. Only God knows the future and it probably is for the best that we don't. Imagine the fear we would carry in our hearts if we did know the future. I pray that I have more time with my family but I suppose I would always pray for one more day, one more night, one more hour, or one more minute.

I don't want to leave but once again I remind myself that we are all on a temporary journey here on earth and that our final destination is to get to heaven. In heaven I will be reunited with my loved ones and to me it will be "tomorrow" when I see them again.

Monday, March 5, 2007

With Great Sadness

Upon my return from the Breast Cancer Conference I went to see my Oncologist, Dr. Louie and while she was listening to my heart she made the comment that my heart was racing very fast. I informed her that it had been racing over the last two weeks but I thought it had to do with the Xeloda. Fortunately, for me there is a Cardiology group across the hallway and Dr. Louie made a call and they agreed to see me quickly. An EKG and EchoCardiogram was done and my heart rate was 133. However, my heart muscle seem to be very strong so the Cardiologist thought that there might be fluid near the lungs that is putting pressure on my heart to beat so quickly so he suggested that I see a Pulmonologist. I called to make an appointment and could not get in until March 20th. I was so concerned about my heart that I decided to see my family doctor for a second opinion. As usual, Dr. Spratford is wonderful and agreed to see me on Tuesday. Dr. Spratford ordered an x-ray and there appeared to be lots of fluid in the left lung so he called a pulmonologist and it was decided that due to the complex masses on my left lung I would need to be hospitalized in order to attempt to remove the fluid and relieve the pressure on my heart. So on Tuesday afternoon I was admitted to Adventist La Grange Memorial Hospital. While I was in the hospital the Pulmologist attempted to perform a Thoriosentisis and stopped the procedure due to the unsuccessful attempt to remove the fluid. An Interventional Radiologist attempted the same procedure using more sophisticated equipment and was successful in removing 200cc of fluid (which unfortunately was not enough). I also saw a Cardiologist which was monitoring my heart as it was beating rapidly even while I was in the hospital. Dr. Spratford consulted with the Cardiologist regarding surgery and was told I only had a 50/50 chance of pulling through the surgery so we decided it was not worth the risk.

On Saturday I saw Dr. Spratford and with great sadness he told me that he did everything he could to try to help me. The tumors have pushed my heart up and to the right which explains why it is beating so hard as it has less space to function. I understood this to mean that there is only so much pressure my heart can take and I was correct. Dr. Spratford recommended that I move forward with Hospice Care because it is a matter now that I may not die of the cancer but rather a heart related problem. Of course, I was devasted and Dr. Spratford was devastated as well and we both shed some tears. So I was discharged from the Hospital and I went home and called my family to share the sad news. Only God knows how much time I have on this earth, however, the amount of time suggested by my doctor was perhaps a few weeks.

I want to mention that while I was in the hospital I was being well taken care of by the staff but my favorite nurse was "Sue". She was very compassionate and loving and cried with me while I was in the hospital. She even visited with me on Saturday before I was discharged.

On Sunday we meet with a nurse from St. Thomas and she seemed very compassionate. We decided to not move forward with St. Thomas until I confirmed with my Oncologist that she agreed with Dr. Spratford. On Monday I spoke to Dr. Louie and she agreed that there was nothing more that chemotherapy can do for me.

At first I had accepted that I am dying and will spend the next few weeks with family and friends enjoying the company. However, tonight after much thought I have decided to seek a second opinion regarding my heart condition. Afterall, if this is the end what do I have to lose seeking a second opinion.

So I ask each of you to pray for my family. I especially ask that you pray for Michael as he is so angry and is not ready to accept that I am dying. I ask for you to pray for Serena that she will understand that someday mommy will need to leave and will not come back. And I ask you to pray for me that even though I will no longer be here to take care of Michael and Serena that I have assurance and faith that God will take care of Michael and Serena.

Thank you all for continued support and prayers.

We can still hope for the best but we must prepare ourselves for the worst.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

Breast Cancer Conference

On February 23rd I went to the 7th Annual Conference for Young Women Affected by Breast Cancer sponsored by Young Survival Coalition and Living Beyond Breast Cancer in Arlington, VA. This conference included women who were diagnosed with cancer prior to the age of 45. I had an opportunity to greet the attendees that arrived on Friday and I was touched as to how easy it was for each one of us to talk to one another. I suppose it was because we shared one tragedy and that is cancer. I attended several workshops which focused on balancing treatment, side effects and improving quality of life, and treatment updates for metastatic breast cancer. I was saddened and yet felt comforted by the number of young women with metastatic breast cancer that attended the workshops.

I walked away from the conference realizing that I am truly blessed. I tell you this because I met a young woman that has Stage IV cancer and her wish is that her boyfriend marry her before she dies. I met another who has been on chemotherapy for ten years and now she would like to have a baby but needs to consider the pros and cons of getting off chemo in order to have this baby. I met another who has Stage IV cancer and found out a week after she was diagnosed with breast cancer that she is pregnant. I am so thankful that I do not have those issues to deal with in my life. I have been married to Michael for fifteen years and I have a beautiful baby girl. My wish is that I have more time with them as well as my family and friends.