On Friday, March 9th Michael and I went to see Dr. Jamie Von Roenn at Northwestern Hospital. After Dr. Von Roenn read the reports from my latest visit to the hospital we discussed what were my options. Dr. Von Roenn agreed with my oncologist that I should no longer take Xeloda. In her opinion it was time for me to stop searching around the world for the cure that is not out there for me. Dr. Von Roenn encouraged me to enjoy my remaining time with Michael and Serena. Of course, I cried. I told her that I felt as if I am "quitting" too soon and I have not done everything I can for Michael and Serena. She asked Michael if he agreed with me and as the wonderful husband that he is, of course, he told her I have done all I can. I still wept.
There is a part of me that feels I have failed Michael and Serena. That I should be fighting to the very end and then there is a part of me that is so happy to be off chemotherapy. I feel normal for the most part. I am on heart medication, cough medication, and pain medication which takes care of all my remaining problems. If you saw me or talked to me you would think all was well and yet there is this awful "thing" eating me alive in the inside. Isn't that ironic?
I really don't know how much time I have left and neither does the doctors. Dr. Von Roenn said that doctors are the worst "guessers". She would know. Her husband was told that he had a few months to live and he died within a few weeks. I made the comment that it must have been more difficult to lose him so quickly and her response was "not really." After all, she still grieves the loss of the future she was to have with her husband. Only God knows the future and it probably is for the best that we don't. Imagine the fear we would carry in our hearts if we did know the future. I pray that I have more time with my family but I suppose I would always pray for one more day, one more night, one more hour, or one more minute.
I don't want to leave but once again I remind myself that we are all on a temporary journey here on earth and that our final destination is to get to heaven. In heaven I will be reunited with my loved ones and to me it will be "tomorrow" when I see them again.
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6 comments:
Paul said it well in his letter to Timothy: I have fought a good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is is store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day.
You have fought a good fight! You have kept the Faith! What an inspiration you are to us all, Sabina, what a legacy to leave your family and friends.
You and your family are in my constant thoughts and prayers.
Joyce Oravec
You have fought with everything you have, Sabina, and you are still fighting for each day with your family. Nobody wants to see you suffer, or be in pain, or feel sick...especially not Michael or Serena. There's nothing to feel guilty about. It sucks that this is happening and I applaud you for looking into every avenue. I would do the same. Love them every moment you can..that is far more important than fighting against something that you can't beat.
I said this to you before, but I am going to say it again because I feel it is very important. You will never, ever be far from Michael and Serena. Your spirit, your tenacity, your strength and courage, your beauty, your zest for life...all of these things will continue in them. Everything that they do, every decision they make, every place they go, you will be with them. You will continue to be a positive influence in their lives. It is probably hard to hear, but they will heal and they will go on because of the strength and courage you have instilled in them, Sabina. It is because of you that they will both be fine. They will be counting the days until they can kiss and hug you again, there's no doubt about that, but they will both be fine. I hope you can find some small comfort in knowing that.
From the perspective of a veterinarian, let me say this. When a beloved pet develops an illness that cannot be healed, many people will do everything in their power to keep their pet alive as long as possivbe. After their pet has passed, they feel guilty, telling me they prolonged their friend's suffering selfishly in order to delay their grief. You have done all that is humanly possible. To subject yourself to misery that cannot help, may end up making Michael feel guilty. Please, have no guilt yourself! You have done nothing wrong, failed to do nothing....You are blameless. Although it's long, I'd like to paraphrase from a book I just finished: "Without suffering there can be no growth, no development, no flowering....We'd all be wooden images,utterly static, in a world where nothing ever happened and where God's love would fall on barren soil....Love transcends suffering, and it's love that gives life meaning....Beyond the suffering the new growth, the new development and the new flowering are all waiting to begin....Nothing that really is can ever perish. Love is the great reality."
Your life, your beliefs, your actions have left a permanent impression on the world. Though your loss will be felt deeply, it will not be enough to over power your love.
Dear Sabina, Michael and Serena,
I love the title to your last Blog. It speaks of how deeply and honorable you feel about yourselves and all those you love.
It is no small thing to tell someone you love, that you are going to die and and that you will miss them and that you will see them in heaven.
It ALL seems so unreal and so otherworldly and indeed it is.
This was not the original plan for your life Sabina, and yet you must know that the Creator knew from the beginning of time this would happen.
It's one of the reasons we are responding to your blog, so we can cast our vote for you...even though you are not running for an office.
Sabina I have learned from you and Michael and Serena that there is no fear in Love...for perfect love casts out fear.
You have taught me that talking about a tragic event in your life can bring about healing and hope and comfort for those who will remain after you are gone.
In days gone by I have sat by the side of a dying friend and felt life slip away ever so gently. It was ever gentle ever bitter sweet and I can tell you that your short sleep in Jesus will come to an end very soon.
The final moments with my friend allowed me give him permission to go to sleep and to focus on my appreciation for his life and all he loved.
Sabina, Bill Gaither had it right when he wrote...Because He lives I can face tomorrow, because He lives All fear is gone. Because I Know He holds the future and LIFE is worth the living Just Because He Lives.
One of the most comforting scriptures for me has been the one tucked away in a little corner of second Peter three/eight. "Beloved do not forget this one thing, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day."
I love this passage because it puts in perspective the BIG picture of Gods time.
If with God 1,000 years = 1 day and 1 days = 1,000 years then....
Methuselah who lived 969 years was something like 23 hours 28 minutes old according to God's watch.
Ok! Sabina...how young are you? I am guessing 38,39 years. Using this biblical illustration... That would put you on God's eternal Rolex watch right in there at about one hour sixteen minutes young.
Sooo! Sabina, indeed you are a child of God...His darling little girl, just as your little Serena is to you.
Sabina...You are Safe to Save!!!
Then,Peter goes on to say...The Lord is not slack concerning His promise...but is longsuffering toward you not wanting even one little child of His to die before they come to Jesus."
If we accept God as perfect, we must admit His plan is perfect for our lives. If we cannot believe He is perfect then we have an imperfect Creator.
Sabina, You are LOVE. "Love suffers long and is kind...bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
Sabina, because you are "LOVE" in person, we will never lose you...because, even though faith is important in the here and now and hope is key to day to day survival... nothing is more important than LOVE!
Sabina, it was Love that brought you into the world and it is Love that gives you permission to enter the earth made new.
Thank you Sabina, Thank you Michael and Thank you Serena for flashing the neon light of "LOVE" in your lives so that we would have the opportunity to give praise and honor for the wonderful and rich testimony of "Love" at its best.
May you be blessed..."exceedingly, abundantly above all that you can ask or think.."
Good night LOVE...good night and Good Morning!
Enthusiastically yours,
Dave & Monika
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